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For Everyone Who’s Still Fucked Up Over That Story About The Girl With The Ribbon Around Her Neck

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and dogs, I have come to remind you of that one iconic horror story that you thought you’d never hear of again: The girl with the green ribbon around her neck.

Art © 1984 by Dirk Zimmer.

Do you remember it? It was this lovely, peachy story that should not have been in a children’s book. It was humbly titled “The Green Ribbon” instead of what would be more appropriate like “Nightmare Fuel” or “Childhood Trauma”. It was just one of many from the selection.

Harper Collins / Via amazon.com

The story has such a simple premise and such an innocent little idea. A little boy named Alfred (Who obviously goes around wearing a shirt with a big A on it) and a little girl named Jenny meet in the park.

Art © 1984 by Dirk Zimmer.

And Jenny wears this mysterious green ribbon around her neck, so Alfred’s all like, “Yo, Jenny, what’s that thing on your neck?” and Jenny’s all like, “Calm, Alfie, wait and find out!”

I’m paraphrasing, of course.

Eventually, Alfred and Jenny get married, and even then the mystery of the green ribbon continues.

Art © 1984 by Dirk Zimmer.

Then they got old, and Jenny got sick, and then Alfred asked about the green ribbon around her neck. Jenny finally said “Untie it, and you will see why I could not tell you before.”

It’s because Jenny is a GODDAMN UNDEAD LIAR.

Art © 1984 by Dirk Zimmer.

I mean what the hell, Jenny? You married someone and spent your whole life with them and that little detail seemed trivial? That you were only alive because a mystical piece of green fabric kept your head on your neck?

GDI JENNY

In hindsight, we should have seen this coming. I mean, look at her.

Art © 1984 by Dirk Zimmer.

Those are soulless, undead eyes if I ever saw any.

And Alfred, what the heck?

Art © 1984 by Dirk Zimmer.

Couldn’t you use your big nose to sniff out Jenny’s lack of pulse? What about the fact that her head was a little wobbly on her neck? You spent your entire life with her, for God’s sake, and you couldn’t tell?!

And now, chokers are making a comeback.

forever21.com, forever21.com

We could have hundreds- No, thousands of Jennys walking around and no one would know until they DIED.

So, in conclusion, I think it’s a safe bet to say that no, I’m not over it, and yes, I am going to start seeing a therapist about this.

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