10+ Petty Revenge Stories That Show Why You Should Never Be An Asshole To Other People

There’s a certain raw gratuitous feeling that comes with some awful person getting what they deserve.

I mean, you shouldn’t fight fire with fire. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Etcetera, etcetera.

But you can’t help but think that the asshole who cut you off on the highway deserves some crap. Let’s face it, we’re all a little petty on the inside.

So what’s better than feeding that guilty pleasure than reading stories about assholes who got what they deserve? So just kick back, and read the lovely, wonderful stories.

#1 The homophobe

(I’m a manager. I am ringing up a woman I have sold things to before. We are making small talk as I ring her up. Note: I’m a lesbian.)

Customer: “I can’t believe the president came out in support for gay marriage!”
Me: “I know; kind of unbelievable!”
Customer: “That f** lover is going to burn in hell for that!”
Me: *biting my tongue* “Okay.”
(I finish ringing her up and hand the customer her bags.)
Customer: “They should round up all the gays and put them down.”
Me: “That would be bad for me, seeing as I am a lesbian.”

(The woman turns pale and walks out without saying a word. A few hours later, I get a call from the manager of another one of our stores. On the line, I can hear the same customer I previously sold items to ranting.)

Manager: *also a woman* “So, this woman is here wanting to exchange a bunch of stuff from your store. When I asked her what was wrong with the items, she said you tainted them; I have no idea what she is talking about. Could you maybe clear this up for me?”
Me: “Well, I bet it is because she found out I was gay.”
Manager: “I see.” *starts talking in sultry voice* “Well, I’ll see you tonight for our date. You should put on that that black lace bra and panty set I got you for your birthday! I love you!” *hangs up*

I am very confused, seeing as I have never dated that manager, nor did she ever get me underwear, and as far as I know, she is not gay.

Fast forward a few days later to the manager weekly conference call: apparently, the customer left the other store after thinking the other manager was also gay. That manager then called every other store in the area and told everyone about the customer. Over the next few days, the customer went to every store in a 20 mile radius trying to exchange the ‘tainted goods’. Everyone she talked to pretended to be gay when working with her and she left every time. To my knowledge, she never got her exchange.


#2 The postwomen

I was at the post office one day when an elderly lady in front of me asked for a single stamp.
Obviously considering this a waste of her time, the woman behind the counter makes a snorting noise, rips off a stamp and flicks it across the counter where it lands on the floor. She doesn’t apologise or offer the lady another stamp. The old lady considers for a second, picks up the stamp and leaves her 50 cent piece on the floor in its place. She says a cheery “Thank you!” and walks out, and the woman behind the counter has to walk around to pick up the money.


#3 The Craft Store

I was at a Craft Store in my town, and it wasn’t too busy, but only one register was open. The cashier, a teen aged girl, I could tell was working as best as she could. The process was a tad slower however, because she had a stutter, and a bit of a lisp.

As she worked through the line, asking the usual questions probably mandated by the big wigs (I’ve worked in retail, it’s a thing), the man behind me began to huff and puff. He muttered something about having places to go, he was in a hurry, etc. I ignored him, until I heard him start to mock her to his kids.

W-w-would you l-like y-y-y-y-y-y-your reSCHKeet?
The kids began to laugh. It really made my blood boil. Especially since I could tell the cashier heard his mockery. That really made my blood boil. When a person doesn’t respect retail employees as people, it’s the best way to tell whether a person is an asshat or not.

So, when it was my turn at the register, she asked me in a small voice “Are you a member o-o-of the rew-w-rewards club?” And I looked smugly at the guy behind me, and back at her.

Me: The rewards club? Oooo that sounds great! Please explain it to me?
She seemed surprised at first, but then looked at the guy behind me, and then it clicked.

I have never given my information so slowly in my life. Never had I asked as many questions as I did. She smiled and answered my inquiries, while the guy behind me was seething.

Him: Can you hurry up, please?
Me: And miss out on these great rewards? As if!
I only held him up for about 5 minutes… but wooo child, it felt so good.


#4 The conservative couple

So I live next door to a couple (a VERY conservative couple) and their twin boys. The boys can’t be more than 8, and like most kids, they like to play in the back yard. Which is totally fine, doesn’t bother me at all. They’re kids and like to run around. What bothers me though is that they love to throw their toys over into my yard. Alot of toys. Action figures, balls, frisbees, rackets, etc.

Them throwing them over don’t even really bother me that much. What bothers me is that the parents keep demanding that we have to throw them back. They don’t ask, they don’t knock on the door and apologize, they just yell over there fence when they know that we are outside and TELL us to give it back. And that bothers me. They also seem to encourage their kids to throw it over to our yard.

So after Christmas I was at the store and saw that they had a ton of Barbie’s, nail polish, Bratz doll frisbees, and balls on the clearance. I bought 5 of everything I could find that I knew my neighbors would hate seeing their sons play with. Every time an action figure gets thrown over to my yard, I will throw a barbie back with it. Every time a ball gets thrown, a Bratz ball will be returned. I already threw a couple nail polishes over and the twins went crazy. They loved it. They’ve had pink, purple, and green nails all week.

It’s been 2 days and not a single action figure has crossed my fence. More importantly, not a single rude demand from the parents to return them. The kids are having fun, and I have pretty revenge.


#5 Swift justice

Coffee shop.
People next to me are loud and rude. They just found the perfect name for their new business.
I just bought the domain name.


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#6 The AppleBees incident

I took the family out to eat at AppleBees. The lot was full and I saw a customer come out to leave so I waited for him to pull out and take the spot. Guy pulls out and a car full of young girls just pull in to my spot. You know the type. Well I rolled down my window and told them I was waiting for that space and the driver says “to bad, your name wasn’t on it”. I was livid but just waited for another space and went in and ate.
Girls were at the bar doing shots getting wasted. We enjoyed our meal and paid the waiter. I then asked the waiter if he wanted to make $20. I asked him to go up to the girls, 10 min after we left, and tell them they got a call from someone that said that they had keyed their car and that they should have parked somewhere else. I DID NOT KEY THE CAR.
I called him about an hour later to ask how it went. He said they all went nuts, screaming and shit and even called the police.
BONUS: Cops came and found no damage to car but noticed the girls were to damaged to drive. Cops left and circled back and watched the car. Girls come out, get in car, start the car, and the parking lot explodes in blue light. Busted! DUIs and PDs for all.
I did not know about the bonus till a week later when I went back for a few beers. The waiter recognized me and told me the bonus story, laughing the whole time. Another $20 to the waiter. Best $40 I ever spent.


#7 Study Hall in 8th Grade.

This happened a while back, study hall in 8th grade actually. I always brought two small sandwiches to school so I could have one at lunch and one in study hall since our teacher let us eat in that class. One day as I was about to eat my Sandwich, I get up to use the bathroom. As I walk back in the classroom, I see the kid in front of me eating my sandwich. I was pretty annoyed but nothing serious at this point, so I confront him politely and he denies it completely. I left my sandwich on my desk the next day just to make sure it was him, and what do you know, it is. So on the third day, I hatched a plan. I put habanero cheese on my sandwich, and then doused it all in ghost pepper sauce. That shit was everywhere, but it luckily didn’t smell spicy. I get to study hall and my plan works flawlessly. I leave my trap sandwich on my desk and get up to use the restroom. This time I take as long as I can, and end up wandering the halls of the school. I did this because my study hall teacher was anal about the hall pass, and only one guy was allowed to leave the class at a time, even for water. After about ten minutes I come back into the class to be greeted by the sandwich thief crying hysterically with a bright red face waiting for the hall pass. He was in the bathroom for the rest of the day.


#8 The lying students

My mom was a language teacher at my high school. The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish, and had a week or so to prepare it, then had to perform it in front of the class. When she called for this group of guys to do theirs, they pretended that they already had, and she’d just forgotten. They refused to do it, insisting it was her fault she didn’t take notes/scores down.

“She went in the next day and said, ‘Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don’t know how I forgot!’ She went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, that their dialogue hadn’t been as long as required, that they didn’t include the necessary vocabulary, etc. All made up. She failed them all on the project and they couldn’t do a thing about it without admitting they’d made it all up.


#9 Graphic and effective

A while ago my email address was added to a mailing list for a church group located in the southern USA. It was a Gmail address and I naturally assume it was added in error.

I deleted the first few messages as there were not many. After a week or so the volume of email started to increase a lot as there events being organised and everyone was responding with reply all.

First off I sent an email to he address that seemed to belong to the organiser, the one who was initiating the email chains.

“hi, I am not part of your group. Please remove me from this email distribution list.”

No response.

Over the next couple of days, as each new message arrives, I send another one.

No response.

So far I have only been sending to the leader.

Next day I send a reply all. (they are not sending the messages BCC, so I can see all the addresses)

Again, I am ignored. I try again, no response.

I am now receiving 10-20 of this crap a day. So I take the nuclear option.

As each message arrives, I reply all with porn images.

“since you won’t remove me from the list here is my imput”

I start mild and crank it up. Stuff that makes gaotse look like a gentleman boner post.

I recieve outraged replies about this being a Christian Church group, I reply with something worse.

“I asked nicely for weeks to be removed and was ignored. So here is another fine picture for you. ”

The email list disappeared from my inbox within 24 hours.


#10 Clever.

My HOA in KC MO bylaws stated that residents could only paint a house 7 colors, they provided the list. My next door neighbor painted her house a color not on HOA list. After a bitter court fight my neighbor lost. She was ordered by the court to repaint the house according to bylaws within 60 days. So my clever 75yro neighbor painted her house ALL SEVEN COLORS on the HOA approved list. With in 3 days HOA filed suite again – The court ruled in her favor stating she was in compliance with bylaw rules. The bylaws never stated that only one of the colors could be used. The HOA appealed not only dis she win, the HOA was ordered to pay her damages in the cost of painting and legal fees – The HOA dropped the 7 color rule –


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#11 Road rage

I am driving to work a few months ago and getting close, I have two turns remaining until I turn into the building. It is just a few blocks away. All side streets, no highways involved. This guy behind me is in a black bmw, and he is on my ass the whole time. I see him checking his phone, then making angry faces at me and getting closer and closer. I speed up a bit, thinking it might calm him down. 5 over, nope. Anyway, I make the first turn, and am now on the street where my building is, maybe 600 yards up ahead. The asshole is still behind me, driving inches from behind me and obviously pissed that I am still going the speed limit, (maybe 35 on this street). So I speed up a bit and see he does the same.

I drive an eight year old Toyota truck, not one of the big huge ones, but not one of the small ones. I do have all terrain tires, and I have certainly driven through pastures, over rocks, popped a curb or 10 in my time. My suspension is in good shape and have no problem treating my decade old truck like a truck.

Well as I get closer to my building there is a large speed bump in the street, effectively to get people to slow down as they approach the parking garage entrances. I look back and see asshole still riding my bumper. I remember thinking to myself I need to slow down for this speed bump, and looking back and thinking, if I hit my brakes, this guy is going to hit me.. The plan takes shape in my mind and I speed up..

I am doing about 45 when I hit that speed bump, and yeehaw.. I did a bit of a jump and land, never once touching my brakes. Didn’t even tap them. I gave him zero warning for what was about to happen.

I am watching my rear-view window intensely during this because I wanted to see his reaction. He was cradling his cell phone between his ear and shoulder when he hit. His hood bucked up behind me, then slams to the ground. I see him go flying out of his seat straight up. He slams his head on the roof of his bmw and his head rolls sideways from impact. Then he slams back into his seat violently. He has a total “wtf was that” look on his face as he grabs the wheel with both hands to recover.

… and yes, he slowed right the f*ck down after that.


#12 Theatre trouble

So, this just happened and the woman is still shooting me dirty looks.

So, I decided that I wanted to go see The Martian today. I took the bus and ended up showing up 50 minutes early. So I was the only one in the theater for a good 25 minutes so I took my time picking out my ideal spot. I decided to go the bathroom before the movie so I didn’t miss anything. On my way back with a soft pretzel in hand, I see the a woman with her kids and she’s moving all of my stuff to a different seat so her and her kids can take my spot. I stomach it, grab my stuff and move to a different spot. While I’m sitting there eating my pretzel, I notice her and her kids all going to the bathroom. I seize the opportunity. I run, grab all their stuff, and move it to seats right in front of the entrance so they’ll see it as soon they walk in. I then reclaim my rightful place in my perfect spot. The lady comes in, sees her stuff, looks at me, connects the dots, and now has been shooting the occasional death glance from the front row and every other spot filled up.


#13 Doctor Snarky

I was just walking back to my car from class and had to cross the professor’s parking lot to get to the student lot. I came across an older man getting into his car and I noticed that his large coffee cup is still on the roof of his car. I’ve done this before and really appreciate when someone tells me that I’m about to drive off with my drink on the roof. So why not pay it forward, right? -“Hey mister, you..” -[In the most condescending tone I have ever heard] “NO! It’s Doctor!!” -“Oh, sorry Doctor…nevermind” So I just stood there and watched as DOCTOR Asshole throws his camry in reverse, spilling his FULL cup of coffee all over his windshield and window. Dr Snarky flashes me a look that could only be a look of remorse mixed with anger. He probably realized that I was just trying to help but was pissed that I decided not to. He didn’t even get out of the car, he just sped off.


#14 The Lying Tool Gym

A couple of years ago I was in the gym and I overheard this guy (we’ll call him “LT” for Lying Tool) “warning” a girl. He said something to the effect of:

“Hey, sorry to bother you. But I just overheard that guy in the red shirt (pointing at my friend who was across the gym) saying some extremely crass stuff about you in the locker room. It was really sexual and graphic, basically talking about ripping off your purple spandex and violating you in front of everyone. I couldn’t just listen and not tell you because you deserve to know what certain people are really like.”

Listing to this I was furious. This guy had obviously seen my friend and the girl talking in the gym (she approached him) and gotten jealous because he wanted to get with her. So he made up this lie to throw him under the bus. I know it was a lie because 1) I was just in the locker room and nothing of the sort was said and 2) the dude he was lying about was actually a really nice, respectful guy.

So he finished up his tall tale and before the girl could respond I scoffed really loud and said:

“She knows you’re lying just to try to get in her pants. That guy would never say those kinds of things about her because she’s his sister, you moron.”

The look on LT’s face was priceless. He went pale and stammered something about how he must have gotten the guy mixed up. But the girl (who had caught on and was playing along) pointed out how he had been very clear about pointing her “brother” out. So LT shifted his story again and said he must have gotten the girl he was talking about mixed up. So I pointed out that she was the only girl wearing purple spandex.

He actually looked like he was about to cry, and I never saw him in the gym again after that.


#15 Ex and The Foo Fighters

My (ex) boyfriend wanted to see a sold out show to the foo fighters this summer. Him and his friends failed desperately in getting their hands on any tickets. I, however, managed to snag 2. I waited until Christmas to give them to him and he was beyond excited. Jumping up and down excited. Fast forward 1.5 shitty months later and he dumped me 2 days before Valentines day after (literally) ignoring me for 3 weeks. The entire breakup blindsided me after 1.5 years together. I haven’t talked to him since, but little does he know that I wasn’t quite finished with him yet. My brother just so happens to be a huge foo fighters fan as well…..I logged into my ticket master account and suprise suprise, tickets can be transferred. So my brother is going to have the time of his life while my ex boyfriend gets turned around at doors. Sucks to suck.



#16 Middle-aged savagery

When I was a waitress, if a middle aged woman was ever rude to me (they almost always were) I’d happily offer them the senior discount, 65 and above only. It felt so good to see their eyes bulge out of their sockets and their mouths drop open in shock.


#17 The racist farmers

My Finance professor was telling our class a story today about how back in 2008 he did taxes for three farmers in west Texas. He said that the three farmers kept going on and on about how much they hated Obama and hoped to God that he didn’t get elected because they feared he would raise their taxes and that they “didn’t think America needed a black president in office”. Well when the three farmers gave my professor his check for doing their taxes, he donated three $500 checks to the United Negro College Fund in the farmer’s names and all three farmers received thank you letters from the UNCF.


#18 The cheaters

Years ago in my high school AP economics class I was assigned to sit in the corner of the room where I was flanked by a handful of very popular, very lazy kids. After every exam the teacher would announce (much to my chagrin) my “high score” to the class.
After a particularly challenging exam where I only scored 93%, the teacher announced that the guy to my right (let’s call him Matt) had ALSO scored 93%, his friend behind him 90%, and the friend behind HIM 90%! Needless to say I vacillated between self-doubt and suspicion for a few days before I finally “congratulated” one of the 90%’ers on his score. With an impish grin he admitted that his friend Matt had been cheating off me for months and “thanked” me for helping “so many people do so well” in the class. The petty revenge gears started turning in my head for what seemed like ages before I replied “no problem, I’m just glad to help!”
At the next exam I put my my paper in very clear view of Matt. He had been told that I was now willing to “help” him and his friends. I circled all wrong answers while making a special mark for the correct ones. Just before the time was up, I quickly changed my answers back when nobody was looking, turned in my exam, and smugly walked back to my seat.
What I didn’t know at the time was that the cheating conspiracy didn’t just involve the kids sitting next to me, but that my answers were written down and forwarded to the next 4 periods, all of which took an identical test.
One week later a record 22 people failed the exam. Matt empathetically remarked “Oh man, Accidentally_Upvotes, did you fail too!?” I flipped over my sheet: 100%.
Nobody ever cheated off me in that class again.


#19 What a well raised kid looks like

You know the scam. Whine about perfectly good food to get some sort of comp.

In their old age, my parents befriended another older couple who would pull this stunt everywhere they went. After my mother told me a few stories about how their new friends had shown them how to get discounted or free meals, I felt like I was suddenly the responsible adult, concerned about the bad influence these people were on my parents.

While visiting my parents with my girlfriend, this other couple attended dinner with us. As I expected, the food was brought to the table and they immediately began dramatically complaining to one another about the quality/taste/temperature/etc. They were making a scene in order to attract the attention of the waitress. When our waitress returned to ask how we were doing, the miserable old bastard who played the lead role in their act took a deep breathe, struck a dramatic pose (with his hand raised to begin gesticulating for emphasis) and bega–I leaned forward and cut him off before he could finish the first word: “Everything is absolutely fantastic. It’s all great! Thank you very much!” She smiled, and began her obligatory “Great, well if you need any–” when he made a second attempt. “We come here all the time an–”. I didn’t acknowledge that he was speaking at all, repeated that all was just as we ordered and thank her again.

He was stunned and thrown off from his routine by my interruption. During this pause the waitress walked away (It seemed clear that she knew what they were trying to accomplish). He turned bright red. I turned to my girlfriend and, smiling and without lowering my voice, stated how pitiful it is that some people could be dishonest, deceitful and put at risk the livelihood of a cook, server or hostess for a pathetic discount or a free early-bird special. My passive-aggressive reverse-parenting broke my parents of the habit in short time.


#20 Concert Merchandise

After a concert today, I’m lined up to purchase merchandise, and the line is absolutely enormous. All of a sudden middle aged Stacy mom dragging a very embarrassed teen cuts in front of me and 150 other people. “Excuse me ma’am you cut in front of me and a lot of other people” she turns to me and says “mind your own business” I’m pissed but I’m also patient. The line progresses slowly for another 15 minutes until we get near the front then I call over a security guard and tell her she cut in front of the line, and a few others behind me verify this. She gets bounced towards the back of the line which is now like a 20 minute wait so she’s gotta wait double the time.


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#21 The feline revenge

I don’t know for sure if cats are capable of conniving revenge, but…

My fiancé has been having really terrible digestion problems for the past few days that’s caused him to fart almost nonstop. Horrible, painfully awful farts that stink to high heavens. They literally smell up the entire room LONG after he’s farted. Luckily for his colleagues, he’s allowed to work from home. Unfortunately for us, it’s been so bad that I’ve taken to sleeping in a different bedroom. Last night, he insisted that one of our cats sleep with him because he missed having company (the other cat only likes sleeping with me). This morning, he told me that he woke up to the cat’s a**hole grinding in his face and the cat letting out the deadliest, longest fart imaginable.

I gave my kitty some extra cuddles and treats.


#22 Reverse psychology

When I was a tween and my sister had big sleepovers, I was allowed to have one person over to keep me company as well. I usually asked my cousin over, because she and I were around the same age and the only person I was really close with.
Things usually went pretty smoothly during the day, but come night time, my sister and her friends would begin pranking us mercilessly. Everything from putting our underwear in the freezer to putting shaving cream on us while we slept to
popping out of random places and scaring us. One night, we decided we had enough.

My sister had been warned earlier about the pranking after my cousin and I complained about it. We stayed up late, chugging soda to keep us going until all the older kids had fallen asleep. Then, we pulled out the markers and began drawing all over each others faces. Smears of red and green and purple, we left no areas untouched. We even added little marker streaks to our pillows, to make it look like somebody’s hand had slipped while they were scribbling on our faces. Then we went peacefully to sleep and waited for the chaos to ensue.

Everything went as planned. Their pranks had been mostly harmless until now, they certainly never did anything that would stain or last more than a couple of hours. My sister and her friends were in deep trouble, and we got off scot free.

The highlight of this story for me is a conversation from the following day between my sister and my grandpa:

sister: But I didn’t do anything!

grandpa: What? So we’re supposed to believe they did this to themselves?


#23 The anti-LGBT article

My sister posted a very anti-LGBT article on Facebook when the North Carolina bathroom bill was passed. She claimed she “no longer felt safe” shopping at Target if she might “be forced to use a bathroom” with a trans person. (The horror!)
So for her wedding the following month, I got her a Target gift card.
Your very gay brother ♥


#24 Cutting lines is douchebag central

On vacation, my boyfriend and I stop at the Louvre. There is a line up at the little cafe/snack bar. They have those standing barriers with ropes to guide the line up, but the ropes aren’t pulled across – because people are grown ups and can see that its just a single line down one side of the front display.

Cue a group of young, bitchy girls in blinged-out clothes deciding they don’t have time to stand in line. They go to the front and stand behind the person currently paying. They pretend to be oblivious to the 4-5 other people in line now giving them death stares.

I am not in line but I see their little act. So I go along and start hooking up the ropes. The girls are gossiping together and ignoring everyone else around them, because hey, what do they care right? So they don’t notice when I move the barrier just a smidge forward … and hook up the rope in front of them.

The look on their faces when they turn around to order their coffees and find themselves quite obviously outside the queue was just… soooo priceless. Huffing and puffing, they had to totter their high-heeled asses to the back of the (now much longer) line-up.

Enjoy your coffee, ladies!


#25 Small but elegant

My Ex cheated with a married man. He now lives with her. He is a POS.. but anyway, I still have login for her DVR. I logged in, erased all her shows, then recorded only the show “Cheaters.” Petty, but it makes me laugh.


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#26 A law for pettiness

Obligatory “not me, but”:
In Texas, there is a law that allows the US to take certain possessions to satisfy a debt owed, such as from a lawsuit. So this defendant had been committing Medicare fraud, got caught, has to pay back the money. He’s also a total prick during the lawsuit — obstructionist, rude, etc. When the US finally has its judgment and he’s pleading poverty, the US Attorney that ran the suit basically ends up walking through the “impoverished” guy’s multi-million dollar house to hand pick what is going to be seized. He takes the big ticket items that he’s allowed, but it’s not going to be enough — so then he just starts taking little shit to piss the guy off. Book half-read on the nightstand? Gone. Can’t take the garage — but you can take the garage door-opener, so…gone. I don’t know what else he took but I think the idea is brilliant.


#27 Doggone plans

Roommate was being a d*ck so I rubbed some grease from the leftover fried chicken on his xbox’s power button. Now, whenever he’s playing, his dog will walk by and sniff the button, turning it off mid-game.


#28 College

In college (early 1990’s), I lived with several guys in a suite. One liked to call me “chunky A”, yes, I was chubby. I asked him politely but firmly to not call me that. He laughed and did it more.
I proceeded to call up every info-merrical I saw on TV to send him baldness cures (he was losing his hair), Tourist information from places like Iowa and Nebraska, had information sent to him about adult bed wetting, etc.
He accused me of it, and I told him, why would I do such a thing to him? I kept it up for 2 years while he lived in the dorms. His junior year, he moved out to an off campus place. I found out where he lived and I waited a couple of months and started it all over again.
Yeah, I bombarded him with junk mail.


#29 This is just cute

I make my husband a sandwich everyday for work. Once, I jokingly kissed it to show him that I made it “with love.” But then for some reason it stuck, and that just became the habit. Make sandwich, give it a little smooch, put into baggie. Except when I’m mad at him. Then that sandwich isn’t made with love. It gets no kiss. Yeah, enjoy that sandwich, jerkface. I hope it tastes like despair.


#30 Sunscreen gets flipflopped

We were sitting by a pool once, and a woman stood over my wife and started spraying sunscreen all over herself – and my wife. We asked her nicely to please move and she ignored us and kept spraying. When we left, I took one of her flip flops with me.


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#31 Cricket plan

I like to end my relationships amicably. I am friends with a few of my exes. This one, however, has been a weapons grade douchebag to me for a couple of years and then threw me and my children out suddenly with nothing but the clothes on my our backs and made a few choice death threats to me. Don’t worry, the police are involved. Well, a few hours earlier I went with a police escort to gather the rest of mine and my children’s belongings. He was sitting on the couch with his new gf, both drunk af. The officer stayed with them. I went to what used to be our bedroom, packed my belongings quickly, packed my children’s things, then released 100 crickets under his bed, in his closet, in his dressers, and in what used to be the childrens’ bedroom. I made sure there were more male crickets than female, so they’ll be noisy as all hell while attempting to find a mate, and these little buggers will eat anything, wood, clothing, and they’re very good at hiding during the day.


#32 The bus station

I work on a college campus. It’s the season for orientation and parents are herding their kids around checking out the school. I misread my schedule (arrived at 14:00 instead of 4:00 pm) and had a few hours to kill. I decided to take a walk around campus to look at the changing trees. I soon came upon a family that was clearly lost. two parents and a kid. The dad’s got the map out (upside down) and the mom is asking anyone who will listen for directions. I decided to help.

I stroll up and ask where they’re headed and am told they’re looking for one of the libraries. It wouldn’t be too far out of my way so I decided to take them there. As we’re walking I make small talk asking what the kid plans to study and whatever. To be helpful, I started pointing things out on the way. This was my fatal error.

As we’re walking someone interrupts and says “are you headed to the library?” I confirmed that we were and allowed them to tag along. I didn’t go full tour guide and turn around, so as I’m walking I remain facing forward. I didn’t notice that a few other families started following behind me. We get to the library and the first family is happy. I turn to leave and someone says “how about the political science department?” I check my clock, and think “what the hell, these people are nice” and off we went. At this point I have about five families with me. People are asking questions and laughing at my jokes and having a good time.

We get to the next building and it’s time for me to leave for work. I motion to disband my little entourage and am met with opposition. “Take us to the English department.” Some guy says. I was like “no can do, chief. I gotta go to work” and it clearly didn’t register. I tried to tell him that this was an informal tour and I’m not affiliated with the orientation and he didn’t understand. “What the hell kind of tour is this? We paid good money for this orientation. You’re going to take us to the English department!” Imagine Mark Derwin’s character from Accepted. The English department was actually pretty far away so I wouldn’t be able to get him there without being late to work. He was pretty disrespectful so I decided to dump him instead.

“To get there it’s easiest to take a campus shuttle” I said “I’ll walk you to the bus stop.” He was satisfied with that so off we went. We get to the bus stop and I tell him that I won’t be riding with him because I’m only a tour guide for this particular area. Once he gets on the bus he should wait three stops, then get off and meet a new tour guide that will be there waiting. Instead of saying thanks he grumbles out a “was that so hard?” and climbs aboard.

Here’s the kicker. Our campus doesn’t have its own bus system. I put him on a city bus. Three stops would take him to a grocery store a mile or two off campus. There definitely wasn’t anyone waiting for him there. I like to think he got what he deserved for being disrespectful.


#33 Messing with the HOA

So a while back I was given a UGA Bulldogs flag and a flag pole to mount it on my porch. Our Homeowners association (HOA) restrictions say that sports team flags can only be flown on a day in which the team is playing. My intention was to only fly it on Saturdays when the football team was playing. So I put the flag up on a Saturday the Dawgs were playing but forgot to take it down until Monday. On Friday I get a letter from the HOA stating that I am in violation of the restriction and could be fined. Okay, fair enough, they are correct on this one. I then noticed that the date of observation was on Wednesday. I called and said that couldn’t be true because I took it down on Monday. Instead of admitting her mistake, she lied and said that she had seen it up on Wednesday. Now I was mad.

I printed off a schedule of every sporting event the Bulldogs had in every sport, even club sports and then proceeded to fly the flag every single day there was any kind of game, match, regatta, etc., which was almost every single day.

I then started getting letters stating I was in violation again. I would call on each one and explain that the water polo team had a match, or the rowing team had a regatta on those days. After about a month or two of this back and forth, they finally gave up.


#34 The bully

Once, in first grade, I took off my shoe because I had a rock in it. Fo no reason other than this kid was a huge asshole, the class jerk stole it and took of running. I chase after him and he eventually throws my shoe down a hill into a field of tall grass and just looks at me with a huge shiteating grin.
In a badass stonecold firstgrade timbre I say: “Go find it” and shove him down the hill into the grass after it.
He starts crying and we run to the teacher. After explaining what happened she made him go into the field and find my shoe. He crawled through the grass for about an hour before it finaly turned up.


#35 Revenge is a dish best served cold

I had two jobs, one was at this country ice house in buttf*ck nowhere outside of my city. This place was pretty small, but was one of the few bars in a certain area so it would get busy. A lot off good ol’ boys and oil field guys.

I worked the door, checked ids and such, and usually broke up fights or kick people out. The owner of this place was very “hands on”. He liked to micromanage everything. Didn’t want me to kick people out unless they were throwing punches, and even then to try and talk to them. Never cut anyone off. Had that “always be selling” attitude.

One night some trouble happens between some regulars and one guy tries to hit another guy with a pool stick. I happened to get hit in the arm but got behind the guy and put him to sleep.

Next day the manager calls me to tell me I’m being let go. Apparently pool stick guy spends a lot of money and me putting him to sleep left him bitter so he called the owner.

That’s fine.

Anyways the bar has a nice fancy jukebox. If you have the app you can just pick songs on your credit card and they’ll play. If you hit play next on a song, even if they turn the jukebox off, it’ll play when it starts back up. It’s also unskippable.
With the master remote you could skip a song but they lost that remote so they really can’t do much if someone plays a certain song they don’t like, and even if they unplug it, it’ll play no matter what when they turn it on.

Here’s my petty revenge:
The owner does inventory every tuesday night. It also happens to be a busy night because they do pool tournaments and it usually gets packed.

So here I thought, I could probably just play the same song over and over and there’s nothing they can really do.
I got twenty bucks in credits and that usually gives you about 18 unskippable songs. Plus more depending if the app gifts you credits.

I picked a remix of Cotton Eye Joe, that comes in at around 7 minutes a pop. Usually when the pool tournament started.
Two hours of hearing the same song has killed their business on tuesdays. Even if they unplug it, it’ll still play when they plugged it back up.

I’ve been doing it for two months so far, last I heard they had to buy a new jukebox at a cost 5,000. I’ll probably stop for a month then start again. I’m an asshole I guess.


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#36 Rich guy’s kid

I used to work as a sound tech part-time at a nearby bar when studying for my computer science degree. It was great fun and even kinda relevant to my degree (and gave me a great excuse to binge on audiophile equipment).
So basically every Friday night we would give a slot to a band from the college to perform for an hour or so, and this rich guy’s son would always turn up in some band or another. He had all the fanciest gear (Fender Strat, distortion pedals, etc.) but his technique sucked. But to anyone who would listen, he was the next Jimi Hendrix blah blah.
One thing about this guy was that he loved to pump his volume through the roof and play these crunchy chords with the distortion amped to the max, in the process drowning out the rest of his band members.
So instead of hooking up to the mixer and then through to the PA system, I just routed his signal through to his in-ear monitors, and every time he performed his miserable excuse for a “solo” he would gyrate around the stage for no apparent reason.
Really the most petty thing I’ve ever done, but revenge is sweet. (I heard he still plays amateur guitar through the grapevine)


#37 Workplace pettiness.

Work related- My co-worker was always complaining and always lazy with his work, yet he got recognition for the simplest thing he would actually do. He also took credit for a full days work that was pretty much all me. I always got ignored. So one day, I came in early and I unplugged his Ethernet jack just barley to the point it looked like it was still plugged into his computer. For 4 hours he couldn’t do any work. Meanwhile, I got my work done, and he couldn’t take any credit for it since everyone knew he didn’t have Internet access. Half way through the day, he left on break, I plugged it back in and bam, just like this it was working. By then, he couldn’t claim my work, and I begun to get noticed more.


#38 The train

I take the train to work each morning and then again to get home. I like to sit in the quiet car because it allows me to think and do a little extra work each day. On the train ride home today a woman in front of me kept talking on the phone even after people nicely asked her to be quiet. The conductor also came through and informed her she was on a quiet car.

The seats we are in have very little support so someone behind you could push your seat and you’d feel it. Several riders decided it wasn’t worth it and switched cars. I decided I had enough and slouched far enough so both of my knees were firmly in the back of her seat pushing fairly hard. She cocked her head around and told me to put my knees down. I closed my eyes and fake slept.

She got up and moved to a different seat. There was a person behind her and guess what he did? Knees to the back of the chair. People started catching on and she chose a seat with no one behind her. Another rider changed seats behind her and she got some more knees.

The conductor came through again and was unaware of our little revenge. She got up and told him that people were putting knees into her back and stalking her to each spot. The conductor put his index finger to his lips and said “Shhhh, this is a quiet car.”

She moved to a new train car.


#39 Spiting your parents

My mom made some comments invalidating the relationship between two of my friends who are both girls so i made an entire short film about my two friends and a sort of fictionalized version of their relationship and in it i had them address some of the nasty things they hear from people about their relationship and long story short i basically made an entire short film about gay girls to spite my mom and her homophobic comments.


#40 Table hog.

I was sitting in a food court quietly eating lunch, minding my own business. This food court is in the CBD and filled with nine-to-fivers. It was crowded so strangers would share tables. There was one sole person sitting at a four-seated table next to me. Every couple of minutes someone would approach that table and ask the table-hog if it was free to sit. He always replied, “Sorry my colleagues will be here soon”. The entire time I was there, no colleagues came and sat with him nor did it appear that he was looking around for them (as most people waiting for others to join will look around and wave them over). He quietly finished up his lunch and left. Seems he just lied to have a four-seater table all to himself when even people on two-seater table were sharing with strangers. Well that’s not right!

A couple of days later I saw him in the food court again. I was in a bit of a mood so I bought my lunch and pulled out the chair to sit at his table. As I was sitting down he told me he is waiting for his colleagues. I replied “That’s okay, I’ll move when they arrive. I won’t be long.” He shuffled uncomfortably in his seat as I quietly ate my lunch. I felt very uncomfortable and my heart was racing but I was pissed off at that table hog that I had to do something. If you choose to have your lunch in a busy food court, you don’t get to live in your own little bubble.

Edit: I just want to clarify a few things – the strangers sharing tables DO NOT speak to each other beyond “May I sit here?”. There is no awkward small talk. Everybody eats their own lunch quietly while looking at their phone and make no eye contact.

Also – strangers sharing tables is the custom for this particular food court. I’m sure it would be strange and weird to sit down at a table with a stranger at the food court in your area, however this story wasn’t located in the food court at your area. I doubt I would ever find myself in your part of the world and if I did, I would observe the local custom and certainly not sit down at a table with a stranger.

I neither know nor care if he had social anxiety. By the confident manner in which he denied table access to those several people that he spoke to, I doubt he did. And if he did, he made things worse for himself.


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